I've come to conclusion that if you tell yourself enough times that you're fine, you start to believe it. Maybe it's because you actually want to believe that everything is alright in the first place. I don't know the cause, but I do know that it works. Is that what optimism is then? Knowing you're feeling down but giving yourself a kick up the rear? I tend to work on the principle that there is always something to live for. Always. A loved one, a memory, a happening in the future. An ambition. I don't believe for a second that the majority of us realise exactly what we have going for us. Yesterday, I wanted to get completely ratted and just get rid of the unsettling feeling I had. Today? I've been starting my revision. Right there. Right there that tells me that I have something (if not to look forward to) then to live for. I'd like to pass these exams in a few weeks, then start my fresh new year at University, when I'll be in my own house and will no longer be a Fresher. Although that's a scary thought at times, it's something to keep me going. I want to see the look on my Auntie's face when I don that cap and gown and graduate in two years time. See? Just brief thoughts tell me there are things worth striving for.
Want to know something else that's funny? Friendship. I'm one of these people who have quite a few acquaintances but call them friends. Why not? It's an odd concept that someone would do something for me without expecting anything in return. Someone who'd quite willingly put themselves out a little for me. I always feel guilty, of course...but that's something I'm going to have to start dealing with. After all, I've always been the constant in people's lives. I'd like to think I'm a genuinely good person. I'm buoyed by the fact that I know people can easily depend on me. makes me feel as though I'm giving something back to the world, I guess.
If I consider someone a true friend, then it's hard to shake me off, regardless of what happens down the line. Loyalty is painfully important to me. I also find it strange how friendship changes though. One day you meet someone, a month later you're good friends and then a year or so down the line you know that you'd quite happily take a bullet for them.
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In other news, I'm currently sitting in shorts and T-shirt. (!!!) I've been asked out on a baywatch-themed social this evening. I'm /well/ out of my comfort zone. Anyone who knows me also knows by default how self concious I am. I think things got to the stage today when I just thought 'to hell with it, I'll go anyway'.
Contrary to what I wanted yesterday however, I'm not planning on drinking this evening. For one thing I realised how it certainly wouldn't solve anything to get drunk. It'll also be expensive, and I certainly don't want to be under the weather tomorrow when I go to my second Creative Writing class. It'd be embarrassing more than anything.
