Note: After re-reading this, I'm putting a 'Cliche' Warning on this post.
I've been lying here on my bed with my laptop on my knee for the past hour and a half not doing anything. It's harder than it looks, this emotion business isn't it? Anyone who knows me knows that I don't deal well with emotion. In other people, I don't want to sound patronising or say the wrong thing. In myself...well, it's just unexpected and unwanted and therefore for the most part suppressed. At the moment, people in general are getting to me. At the moment, I always seem to be doing something wrong. What can I do about that? I can hardly change my entire mindset for people just because they get pissy. Sometimes I apologise or ignore just to keep the peace, but it feels as though I've been doing that too much recently.
I had an argument with a friend of mine last night, and oddly enough I went to bed with a feeling of pure clarity...but now? At this moment turmoil has struck again. I seem to be conflicted. (This is the thing, I look at my emotions from a height and analyse them instead of wanting to feel and accept them. It's a defence mechanism I don't know how to switch off). So let's have a look as to what's there? Irritation, indignation, caring, jealousy, hope, stubborness, want...oh yes, a lovely stew of things right there.
Alright, let's be completely honest shall we? The friend was Saki. As if that was hard to surmise. She's the only one I tend to argue with anyway, and for some reason one of the only people I never seem to name here. I don't know why that is, and I find it odd, considering she's a rather largely important part of my life. (Not that I'd ever tell her that of course, far too cliche). We were arguing about my feeling guilty about offloading. I shit you not. Not quite as bad as potatoes, (happy to say that my grandparents are back to normal, even though they weren't talking to one another all yesterday, either), but then again, perhaps I'm missing the point. Again.
I think it simply boils down to fear. At least, in this odd thought process of mine, that's the conclusion I've come to thus far. Truth is, I can't really imagine my life without Saki making sarcastic, playfully insulting comments at me each evening. Without her there in general. Don't get me wrong, if something happened and she decides to not talk to me again I'd deal, but the fact is I don't really want to have to come to that. After thinking about it at some length since yesterday, deciding not to offload to people so they don't get bored of whining or whatever wasn't really the best way to go...but I'll be damned before I apologise for doing what I thought at the time was a good, conscientious thing. The fact that I only have a handful of friends (ok...so perhaps maybe 3-5 to be more exact) that I'd ever consider to be 'close', (and only two of those for certain), makes me a little...tetchy. Loyalty is painfully important to me, and I honestly don't know what I'd do with myself if all or one of those people one day tell me to go and take a running leap, or decide to not bother with me because they have other close friends. (Thus making me rather redundant...I know my limitations and to be honest, I'm "One of your dime a dozen, mediocrities.") That's not to say I don't trust them...it's to say the esteem I hold myself within - after being rather good for the past year or so - has suddenly fallen to squat again.
Dear reader, what would you do if you sometimes physically ached to tell someone something but knew from both a logical, compassionate and selfish point of views (re: everything) that you had to keep it to yourself? For example, if you searched everywhere for that elusive book (work with me here) that you've always wanted...and the moment you found it, you slipped and it fell into a big, muddy puddle?
I think my sanity has finally slipped. >.>
In any case, I've booked my tickets. I'm going down to the Isle of Wight from the 2nd to the 9th of next month. No Internet, and I'm debating on keeping my mobile phone switched resolutely off for that week as well. A week without misunderstandings, arguments, guilt, wonder, technology in general. Instead I get games of chess (I've sorely, sorely missed those things), good conversation, arcades (my own mild addiction), walks along the beach and hours upon hours of reading time. I can't wait.
