For some reason, it tends to come as a shock for most people when they learn that I have the self confidence of a squeegee mop when it comes to social situations involving peers, and the way I see my body. The latter more so than the former.
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Those two sentences were written yesterday, before I went on another Grey's Anatomy kick. I'd been out to the DnD 'Monthly Meetup' and I came back rather late (and thus rather tired), so I didn't manage to finish it. So to explain those few sentences, despite my being a rather confident person outwardly, I'm a rather insecure individual. -Shudders- There. I said it. Someone once told me that I shouldn't care if people like me...and most of the time that isn't an issue. People tend to take to me rather quickly. Some people even cling, which is sometimes flattering, but not what I want. So on the rare occasion someone doesn't like me...I tend to wonder why, and then I get paranoid (What if the people I call my friends just pity me?) Yadda. Yadda. Freaking Yadda.
The problem with being told that you're 'nothing' enough times, especially by people you look up to and love...yeah, that kind of gives you a complex after a while.
People always say 'It's best to be yourself'...but what if yourself isn't good enough? I am reminded every day that in some way I don't make the mark. A few days ago whilst eating lunch my own grandfather commented on the fact that I 'don't really have any friends'. What are you supposed to call people who constantly let you down? I'd forgive anyone anything...I think my Nana was surprised when I told her that I've forgiven my mother for what I went through growing up. I've forgiven my first stepfather for the things he did...but I guess the hardest person you have to learn to forgive is yourself. I'm not ready for that yet. I'm not ready to forgive myself for a lot of things, least of all not being enough for people.
People tend to agree that I'm a good person. I've been called a 'Godsend' a 'Hero' a 'Saviour'...but somehow...that's not enough for me. Even some of my closest friends call me things like 'A lighthouse' or 'a crutch' (or, as a good friend of mine once said; 'You're a mirror, Sara. You can show people a lot about themselves. You have this weird ability to create a better person by letting them see themselves'.) I can't remember the last time someone said to me: "You're my friend, Sara. You're a human. You're allowed to make mistakes. You're a person, it's what we do. You can just be you, for me. I don't need you to do anything else."
But I'm not holding my breath. In some ways I'm fine with that, really. I've made my peace with the simple fact that I will never quite be good enough for anyone. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like a bitch. Yes. Hurt. I am able to feel this weight in my chest, and sometimes I can't breathe because I always have to be this...this...thing, this unmoving, secure object people can use when they need. They think all I need is a pat on the back and the occasional treat of a compliment.
...I'm tired, dear reader.
Tired of not being good enough, tired of fairweather friends, tired of having to try /so/ hard. Tired of not being allowed to be tired.
A 19 year old should not be this heart weary.
I'm just... ...exhausted.
And it's getting to the point where I have no idea as to what to do.
