I'm shaking. Physically shaking...which is absurd, since I'm wearing two tops and the heating has been on for most of the evening. Not to mention that my room is the warmest in the house anyway. Then I calm down and I realise that I'm not shaking so much as trembling. Such a slight difference, but it certainly means a whole lot.
I've just remembered that this blog was going to be purely for 'stuff that has happened, without all the emotional crap'. But scupper it. This is my damn blog and I'll write what I damn like on it.
So a friend and I just had a disagreement. Another one. Seems like we're having more of those than regular conversations these days. I'm trying, but by the sounds of it I'm not trying hard enough. Figures. I honestly don't get it. I have to stand up for myself and stop acting like a doormat, but I'm not allowed to disagree with them? Even when they're snipping - intentionally or not, it still bloody stings - at the things I do and my abilities. I'm an emotional dwarf with 'disabilities', mediocre writing skills, bad RPing skills and I have a damn easy, cushy lifestyle and Uni course.
Thanks.
So I try to defend myself. Surely they've got to realise that I know they're better than me at most things. Surely they know that I envy a hell of a lot about them and their abilities? Not in a 'loathing' sort of way, but in more of a 'damn, hopefully they'll actually think something I do is cool at some point'. Grawh. It's getting ridiculous. I don't want to carry on like this. Not if I'm constantly riling them without meaning to. It's not fair on either of us.
But they're my person, and I'd walk through fire for them.
I want to understand. More than anything I want this...phase...to end and to be resolved. I want them to enjoy talking to me. More and more recently I feel as though I'm simply being indulged. Something that might as well be appeased in her want of conversation. Pat on the head and a treat. It stings like a bitch. I don't know what to do. Gods! I wish I did.
I want to figure out how to fix this. I'm determined to at least try, if they let me. I'd do damn near anything. But I can't fix anything if I'm not allowed, or if they've slowly decided that enough is enough. Writing that sentence made me wince, but if you love something, you've got to set it free...right? Isn't that what all the philosophers say? I might be called noble by some, but I'm still as selfish as the next human being, and if I don't have to then I won't let go. Not of this. Cliche and pathetic, right? It's not that I can't let go...but unless I'm told to, I won't. I refuse. I don't fight for much (see: doormat reference). But I'd fight for this.
