"If you're not scared then you're not paying attention." - Bailey.
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I've decided that I need to talk to her. I've been trying to figure out all day how to open, what to say, the points I want to make. I've been wondering whether I need to walk away to save her the trouble of doing so, or to tell her that I'm not going anywhere because...
...I realised something today. I could walk away from all this drama and seemingly do us both a favour...but if I ever saw a lighthouse, I'd remember her. If I ever watch Grey's Anatomy again or adopt a wolf, I'll think of her. If I ever read a Pern novel or do an online Roleplay...I'll think of her. I've told her a few times how important she was to me...how much of a big part of my life she is...but I never realised in time to tell her just how much I think of her and smile. How much time I spend trying to figure out ways to make her smile or laugh. The other day I went to a friend's house for tea and cake and when I was leaving, my friend looked my directly in the eye and said "It was good to see you again." ...and I had to simply nod because I couldn't find my voice. Because it was sincere...and I realised that maybe I am worth something. Maybe I was too blinded by my own shortcomings to realise that anyone could even think of caring what I think.
...which made me think of her, again.
So what do I do? I told my Auntie and Nana that she and I weren't speaking, and I just got raised brows and asked why it was bothering me so much. Why I was getting so tensed up over someone who I've never even met. I couldn't answer. How could I tell them without them being cynical and telling me I'm being absurd? My biggest fear at the moment is that she's not given any thought to me...but if that's the case then I want to know. It's this...limbo that's killing me. I don't know how to choose between being selfish and finding out what she really wants. Too much thought on the matter? Perhaps. I've been steeling myself for the worst possible outcome.
I need to talk to her.
8 days. The longest we've not talked to one another in over five years. That doesn't bode well.
