Friday, September 11, 2009
So I'm lying on my bed, wearing underwear and a pair of socks (one of which happens to be inside out) and drinking tea from a thermos flask. I have a liquorice stick (the actual thing with bark, not the sweet) by my left elbow, and an assortement of books and paperwork on my right hand side. I'm only just realising how utterly random I can be. But y'know, that's me.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the kind of person I am compared to the kind of person I was, and I think it's true what they say in that when you have a certain amount of struggles in your life, people tend to either become very jaded or very optimistic. One is a coping mechanism, and the other stems from giving up hope. Whenever I meet people who aren't my peers - that is, people who I'm not automatically intimidated by - everyone agrees that I'm a very nice young woman. I'm polite, considerate, charming, et cetera. Parents love me. There have been times when my friends have actually been a bit peeved because their parents try to engage me in an in depth conversation when I'm meant to be spending time with them.
With my peers however, I tend to turn into either a slightly manic twit with a 'please like me' complex, thus trying too hard...or a quiet person who sort of moves to the side because the cool kids shouldn't have to deal with me. It always surprises me when people genuinely think I'm 'cooler' than them. I made the mistake of introducing myself in the first year to each indicidual in my halls...and they all felt intimidated by me and thought I was the warden or something. Me! The person who would actually rather wait for a spider to walk away from a plant before trimming the plant back, and then apologise for having to wreck its web. (I kid you not).
Secretly, I kinda mostly like the person I am. Alright, so I want to go to the gym, and I'm slowly overturning my wardrobe...but those are superficial things. Up until a couple of months ago, I was cold and sarcastic, even when I didn't need to be. I was constantly talking about me, instead of just shutting up and /listening/ to other people. (Again, a part of my 'please like me' complex). I say up until a few months ago, because I'd like to think I'm getting better with that. And to be honest? I don't think I could have done it, or even noticed, if my person and I hadn't had an argument and after-talk. I don't think they know it - and I don't think they read this blog anymore, so I'm good to write whatever I want - but I strive to be a better person because of them. I /want/ to be a better person. The ironic thing is that it irritates them when I talk about that sort of thing...so that's something else I've stopped doing. There are other friends and factors as well of course, but still.
I think having people around you that you adore and value is the push that anyone needs to be better, but at the end of the day, it's something you have to do for yourself as much as for anyone else. But the push is needed. I don't tell the people in my life how much they mean to me nearly as much as I ought to do. I try to, in my own so-subtle-it's-almost-not-there way. (Telling people to 'take care', and calling people 'dearest' are two examples). People are important. My people push me, inspire me, make me laugh and make me cry. They frustrate me and make me love them so entirely that it's a wonder I can still breathe at the end of it all. and I wouldn't change them for the world, despite everything.
This has been a long entry, and a rather disjointed one from my usual; 'this happened, and I'm hoping to do this, and by the way my knee hurts' posts that I normally do, but a bit of change now and then can only be a good thing. The best thing to do is just roll with it.
I seem to be in a good mood, eh?
